Solitary and Vulnerable
by MaltaGozo
Summary: I was seventeen when the Hannah craze ended. I was seventeen when I left Malibu. I never got to tell her how I felt. I miss her. LILEY
1. Prologue

**Author's note :** This idea was given to me by Solitarilyvulnerable. She asked me to turn her plot into a story a few months ago. I told her I would do it, and here it is... I haven't written the rest of the story yet coz, well, I want to have your opinions on this first chapter before going further, but also because I am working on Start All Over and on the episode 11.

This story is told from Miley's point of view.

**Dedicace :** This story is for Solitarilyvulnerable. As a matter of fact, the title of the story was inspired by her.

**Disclaimer :** I do not own Hannah Montana

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**Solitary and vulnerable, prologue**

I was seventeen when the Hannah Montana craze ended. However, I didn't stop creating my music. I kept writing and composing. I still do it. It's just that Hannah was replaced by myself, Miley Stewart. No more wigs, no more pretense, no more disguise. Just me, plain old me.

You certainly are wondering what happened right? How could I possibly throw away my career as Hannah Montana? What made me do it, uh? Well, I have two words for you : Jake Ryan. Stupid younger me trusted the jerk. He knew about my secret identity. I told him. Why? I don't remember, just blame my stupidity. But anyways, he and his ego got hurt after I turned him down multiple times. Yep, he didn't take it really well and decided to get his revenge. This is where Hannah comes into the picture. It was junior year when Jake had this wonderful idea... One night, as I was having dinner with dad and Lilly, the jerk suddenly appeared live on TV, holding a press conference. And my world was turned upside down as soon as those words were pronounced as an introduction : ''Miley Stewart from Malibu is Hannah Montana.''

Life at school became hell. Lilly and Oliver, my two bestfriends, tried to help me as much as they could. They protected me from the students and tried to hide me from the paparazzis. Their lives became hell as well. And slowly, they drifted away from me. They couldn't take being watch 24/7. They couldn't bare being hurt and pushed and stalked by people they didn't even know.

Soon, we couldn't hang out anymore. I was being followed wherever I went. The pressure was too much for them to take. And I understood. This was why I created an alter ego in the first place. To escape this insanity and protect myself and those I love. But when I lost this, I lost my life too. Lilly, Oliver and I spread apart.

Two months before graduating highschool, I made a decision : I quit being Hannah Montanta.  I left school, I left Malibu and I left the state. My dad and I flew to New York where Jackson was studying. He had got into NYU. I didn't go back to school and became homeschooled. I didn't go out much either at first. What happened in Malibu scared me out of any human contacts.

I didn't have any more contact with Lilly and Oliver knowing that if I called them the paparazzis would be able to track me down. I didn't even tell them where I was going. I figured it would be easier this way. I didn't even say goodbye properly. I just slid under their door a letter. It didn't say much. Just that I was sorry and that I didn't mean to end our friendship this way. They deserved better. I know that. I just didn't what 'better' was at this time.

Time passed by. I got used to the fans and paparazzis and I started finding my way back into a normal life. At least, as normal as a popstar could have. I am 24, and I am still on top of the charts. I have my own loft in Manhattan and a girlfriend. Oh right, I guess you didn't know about that... I came out at my twenty first birthday. I had planned this huge party at the Ritz and I walked down the red carpet with my girlfriend, Emma Valentine, for the first time. The world was a little shocked at first but quickly got over it. Dad and Jackson have always been supporting in my love life. They never judged me and I am so grateful for that.

Emma was, is great. We've been together for four years now. I met her during a party after a concert. Her father was one of the producers of my first tour as Miley Stewart. He introduced us and we just clicked. I love her. She loves me. And now, we live together.

Today, I can say I have a really great life. I never thought I could have one with all the drama in highschool. But I made it happen. It was hard. But it made me stronger. I'm happy now. But one thing troubles me. You see, Emma isn't the first girl I loved. She isn't the one that made me realize I was gay. No. There was this one girl in highschool. The most perfect girl in the world. She was so beautiful and funny and talented and intelligent. She was everything to me back then. She was my first for a lot of things too. She was the first friend I had. She was the first person I ever trusted with my life. She was the first person I told I was Hannah. She was the first girl I fell in love with. She was Lilly Truscott, well known as my bestfriend. Well, I should say my former bestfriend.

I never got to tell her how I felt. I was young and scared. I couldn't muster the courage to open my heart to her and tell her everything I was feeling for her. I could tell her I loved her, but I chickened out every time I opened my mouth to utter ''I'm in love with you.'' I loved Lilly. Actually, scratch that, I still love Lilly, with all my heart, and I would give anything to see her again. I miss her.

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**Author's note :** I hope you like this shaky beginning. I used the few lines Solitarilyvulnerable gave me as a prologue and worked around it.

I hope you like it. Tell me if you want me to keep working on this story.


	2. Metropolitan my way to you

**Author's note : **This chapter is once again short. But it's done on purpose. It's to set things up. No worries, they'll get longer as we go :-) It's cool to see you're excited about this story. I hope I'll do it honor :-)

**Disclaimer :** I do not own Hannah Montana

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**Solitary and vulnerable, chapter 1**

''Give it up for Mileyyyy Stewaaart!'' I hear the announcer cry as the public start clapping. I guess it's time. I take a deep breath and step on stage. I am doing a private showcase in New York for the release of my new album 'Vulnerable.' My manager, also known as my father, has invited the cream of the cream of the music industry. We rented a loft in Greenwich and here I am, on the small stage, presenting the acoustic version of a few songs of my album.

Most of the people are fans and special guests. I didn't want it to be all about business. But there are a few reporters and critics here and there, taking pictures and writing whatever they want about me. I am not worried though. I know the album is good. I actually am extremely proud of what we did. This one is more mature than the first and I got to write most of the songs. I feel like this album is really my story.

I see Emma standing at the right side of the stage, a cup of champagne in her hand. She's smiling at me, like she always does. And I smile back, like I always do. My guitarist starts to strum on his guitar and I take a seat next to him on the high stool placed on the stage. I recognize some of my friends. Most of them are sons and daughters of big names in Hollywood. In fact, the friends of Hannah became my friends. I guess they didn't mind me pretending to be someone else for four years. Actually, I think this is the one thing we have in common, us people of Hollywood. We pretend to be someone to please the producers, the directors, the fans, the system. Besides, they were impressed I was able to protect my privacy like I did all these years. And it wasn't like I could befriend people at school or whatever, because for once, I wasn't going, and second, I didn't want that what happened to me in highschool happens to me now. Maybe I don't trust people enough, but that's what my life taught me... the hard way.

I start to sing. ''**My heart is as frail as a dove, And my spirit is as weak as a rose,''** I look around at the crowd. They seem to listen to me. I see some flashes. My father is at the left corner of the room talking to a few people. Probably business talk. ''** See my sorrow, feel my pain, You're my refuge, you're my reason,''** I look back at my girlfriend. She's sipping on her champagne peacefully, giving me her full attention. ''**My strength in this beautiful place, That's where I find God'**_' _It makes me feel better, knowing she's here. But I can't stop the image of Lilly flashing in front of my eyes. I actually wrote this song for her, thinking about her. **''You're in my heart, you're in my soul, You are my heaven, you're my home.'' **Lilly has always been the one standing backstage, cheering me on back then. She always has been the one I ran to after Hannah's concerts. I guess that's the thing, uh? Then, it was Hannah Montana. Today it is Miley Stewart. Still, the feeling I have tonight when I look at Emma doesn't even come close to what I was feeling during those nights. Emma will never be Lilly. I could never love her as much as I love Lilly. **''You are my heaven, you're my home, You are my treasure, you're my god.''** I know I should tell Emma, be honest with her you know? But she's the first person I loved since Lilly. She was the first friend I had since... the thing. She became my bestfriend. She's my security blanket. I can't lose her. And it's not like telling her about Lilly would change anything. I'll never see her again. I just have to move on, and Emma doesn't need to know about it. I'm sure I can do it. I know I can forget about Lilly. It's not hard to forget her true love, or soulmate, right? Piece of cake... I've been trying to forget about her for what, seven years? I'm sure it's gonna happen anytime soon... 'keep dreaming, Stewart!'' that's what you think, uh? Maybe you're right...

I finish the song thinking about all I have left from those times : memories. Sometimes, I wonder if Lilly or Oliver still think about us, how we used to be before it all happens. I'd like to think they do and that they're somewhat nostalgic. I have a lot of regrets. The biggest one would be the way I left. No proper goodbye. Even though we weren't not that close anymore at the end, I still considered them as my bestfriends. I know I hurt them. Deeply.

I thought a few times about going back to Malibu to visit them and apologize. But as usual, I was too scared to face them and deal with the consequences of my actions. Thinking they were mad at me was easier to deal with than knowing for sure they were. I mean, with _thinking_, I still had a small ray of hope. Jackson says I'm delusional. Maybe I am...

We still have our house there. We didn't want to sell it when it held so much memories. My dad went back there a few times but he didn't see Lilly nor Oliver. I sometimes wonder if they still live there.

I remember when I first go to New York, I thought about what Lilly was doing right now, if she was surfing or eating her weight in nachos. Then, as I got older, I started wondering if she had a boyfriend. I imagined what he would look like and ended up crying my eyes out. I couldn't bare the thought of Lilly being with someone else then me. I also tried to picture her as a freshman at the uni. And then I realised I didn't even know what she was studying. Last time I asked, she wanted to major in journalism.

The crowd applauds as the last chords of the song fade away into silence. I thank them, tell them a few words and start the second song. For about half an hour, I sing. And I look. And I think. Then it's over. My dad joins me on stage with Emma, who kisses me lightly. I can feel the photographers snapping like crazy. No doubt the kiss will be on the front page of a lot of magazines tomorrow. I don't mind anymore. I'm used to it. Seven years ago, I would have gone crazy about it, but now, it's part of the job, it's part of who I am.

''You were great,'' Emma whispers in my ear as we get off stage.

''Thanks,'' I smile. ''Wanna get a drink?''

''No, I think I've had enough,'' she says as she waves her glass in the air. ''I feel a little tipsy,'' she adds with a frown.

I chuckle and kiss her. Emma can't stand alcohol. One drink and she's drunk. I let her with my dad saying I'll be right back, and make my way towards the bar. I ask for a metropolitan and lean against the counter, waiting for it to be ready. Some people come up to congratulate me. A journalist tries to get me to do an interview, but I immediatly tell him to see with my manager. Yep, another thing I learned. Tell people off. Quite handy, let me tell ya!

The waiter hands me my metropolitan and I turn around ready to go back to Emma. But I don't notice the woman coming up to me and I crash into her, spilling my drink all over her dress. ''Oh my god, I'm so sorry,'' I exclaim as I take the napkin the waiter gave me with my drink. ''I didn't mean to...''

I start wiping the drink off the dress of the woman I bumped into. I can't look at her, I'm too embarrassed with what I've done. I stop as I feel two hands wrap around my wrist and feel an electric shock running up my arm and down my spine. I slowly look up and my heart stop when I look into a pair of beautiful blue eyes. ''Lilly...''

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**Author's note :** Reviews are welcomed, so really, you can click on the review button. I wouldn't mind at all... :-D Besides, the next chapter is ready, so review and I'll post it very very soon !!! ;-)

**Disclaimer :** The song was ''You'' by the Afters. It's not mine ;-)


	3. And so we meet again

**Author's note **: woohoo !! Thanks for the reviews !!! As promised, here is the second chapter ! Enjoy !

**Disclaimer :** Hannah Montana's not mine.

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**Solitary and vulnerable, Chapter 2**

''Lilly...''

She doesn't reply as she grabs the napkin and lets go of my wrist. She starts cleaning furiously her dress herself. All I can do is look at her in wonder and shock and amazement and surprise... ''I can't believe I'm doing this.'' I hear Lilly mumble. ''First I have to borrow this stupid dress, then actually put it on and wear these stupid heels, and now, now, it's rotten. God! She's gonna kill me!'' I wouldn't have heard her rambling if I hadn't stood so close to her at that moment. She looks so pissed. Maybe I should try to apologize...

''I... uh... I'm sorry... for your dress... I...uh... I didn't mean to... I didn't see you...''

''s'fine,'' she cuts me off sharply.

I shut my mouth looking down at my feet. So apologize wasn't the way to go. Maybe I should like dig a hole right there and disappear from the face of the Earth. I'm sure she would love that. I bet she already planned my death and found the perfect spot to bury my dead body. I am contemplating this idea when I hear Lilly call me. My head snaps back up and once again, I'm face to face with those blue eyes. Angry and icy blue eyes. I swallow... hard.

''Hi...?'' I gulp. Not the brightest thing to say I admit, but give me a break. My brain is kind of overwhelmed right now. ''How're you doing Lilly?'' second thing I shouldn't have said by the way I see Lilly's eyes turn darker. I swallow again, even harder. I think I'm shaking too. My breathing is fast, never mind my heat beat. That can't be good... well except for ya'know... sex. I guess it's good then. But right now, I'm feeling sick...

Lilly is looking at me intently. I rub my neck in nervousness. Yep, my palms are sweaty. Damn. I wonder if she expected to see me tonight... Maybe she's as surprised as I am. I mean, we spent all those years apart without any kind of contacts and now, bam, here we are, talking. Well, technically, I'm babbling, she's glaring, but who cares ? Okay... i do. Sigh. So here we are, at my private showcase, yep yep.... for my new album... a party organized for me... with my name on the invitations... invitations we sent to the press and a few guests...

''Wait a minute, what are you doing here?'' I ask bluntly.

Okay, that was _sooo_ not the thing to say. I can almost see the steam comes out from Lilly's ears. Maybe it didn't sound polite and respectful the way I said it, but in my defense, I think I have an excuse for not functioning properly right now. Besides, my question was perfectly legitimate. I mean, what was she doing here? She knew I was going to be there. She knew she was going to see me... Maybe she wanted to see me... Did she want to see me? Did she come here for this? owww, my head hurts. I'm so confused right now. And I bet I'm wearing a big ugly frown on my forehead...

I see Lilly take a deep breath trying to calm herself. I take this time to study her. She hasn't changed much. Her blonde hair are a little shorter and wavy. She looks more mature, more womanly. She's really breathtaking. If I had any doubt before about my feelings for her, I don't have them anymore. I just know I love her, and I just realise as I see her now after all those years that it will never change. I let my eyes rack down her body and follow its curves with longing, lusting eyes. Delicate neck, tender shoulders, thin but strong arms, perfect breast. A little bigger than in highschool. Perfect size if you ask me. Very perky too. The cleavage of the dress does them justice. _Come on eyes, keep moving. No lingering there. Bad eyes, bad! _Tone stomach, sexy hips, and nice perfectly shape legs. My god those legs.

''You look really gorgeous.'' I slap my hands on my mouth. I don't know why I just said that aloud. Really. The words just flew out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop them. My eyes open wide in shock, and I see Lilly look just as bewildered as I am.

''I... uh... thanks,'' she stutters as she looks down at herself self-consciensly.

''It's true. You look hot...'' _Why can't my mouth stop talking?!_

A red tint appears on Lilly's cheeks and I can't help but feel a little proud. I have an effect on her. It's good, right?

She shakes her head, recomposing herself, and her eyes return cold. This time, I'm the one blushing.

''Listen Miley, I didn't came here for you.'' I frown. Then why come to a party organized in my honor? She seems to read my mind because she explains, ''I'm an intern at the Rolling Stones magazine. They want to do a cover with you and an article. I think the editor already approached your manager...'' she trails off.

I nod. My dad did indeed received a phone call from the magazine, and we agreed to do it. But I didn't know Lilly was working there. I wonder what I would have done if I had known. My guess: I would have chickened out, ran the opposite direction, buried my hand into the sand, took a shuttle to the Moon,... you get my point.

''I'm not the one in charge of the article though. It's Lizzie Davies.'' Lilly continued. ''She couldn't be here tonight. Last minute thing. I have to make the first contact with you and write about tonight. That's why I'm here. Work. '' The way she stresses the last word makes my heart soar.

''O-okay,'' I manage to say. ''So... uhm, you're here for business. So, uh... what do I do?''

''Tonight, I think you've already done plenty,'' Lilly hisses as she gestures to her dress. I bit my lip, knowing I deserved it. It didn't sting anyless though. She seems to see she's making me uncomfortable and that, dare I say it, she's hurting me, because I see her deflate a little.

''Sorry,'' She sighed as she rubs her foreheat. ''I promised myself I wouldn't do this when I see you... It's just... I didn't have a good night. And seeing you again is harder than I expected.'' I nod knowing exactly what she meant. ''It just makes me so...''

She doesn't get to finish because Emma suddenly wraps her arms around my waist and kisses me. No no no !! What were you gonna say Lilly? Happy? sad? Angry? Emotional? All of the above? None of the above? I pull back a little and glance over at Lilly. I can feel my cheeks burning. I curse slightly at the bad timing of my girlfriend. Lilly and I were finally having a civilized and real conversation when she had to interrupt everything. I am scared that this chance is never going to present itself again... I swallow my disappointment though and grab Emma's hand.

''Hey, uhm, Lilly, this is Emma. Emma, Lilly,'' I introduce them. Boy do I feel awkward. The two women I love are shaking hands.

''Hi, it's nice meeting you,'' Emma smiles.

Lilly smiles back but it seems... forced. ''Nice meeting you too.''

''So? What's going on?'' Emma inquires looking at me.

''Lilly works for Rolling Stones. She's helping doing the article,'' I explain.

Emma's face lights up. ''oww! Well that's great!'' Then she frowns and studies Lilly. ''I didn't know an intern could do an article that important so early in their career. You must be really good.'' Emma says clearly impressed.

''Uh... thanks,'' Lilly said blashfully. Aww, my girlfriend made the woman I love blush. Those who think there's something wrong with that sentence, raise your hands. Yeah... that's what I thought...

Emma turns her attention to me. ''Babe, your dad wants to talk to you about the show you have tomorrow.''

''oh, okay. Can you tell him I'll be there in a sec, please? I need to talk to Lilly some more about the article...''

Emma nods. ''Don't be too long, 'kay? I don't want to leave late. I have plans for us tonight missy,'' she says suggestively in my ear. But by the look of embarrassement on Lilly's face, I think Emma should revise the definition of 'whispering'.

I give Emma a peck and watch her walk away.

''So, this is your girlfriend, uh?'' Lilly asks me as I turn back to her.

''Yea... Did you know...?''

''Yeah, I knew... When you work for a magazine like Rolling Stones, you have to know everything that's going on in the artists' life. Business life but also private life. It's part of the job. Besides, your coming out had been like the hugest scoop of the year back then. I couldn't have missed it. It was everywhere.''

I don't say anything back, and we fell into an uneasy silence. She seems to take it well. I'm kind of disappointed though. You know why? Because she doesn't seem the slightest bit jealous or like she cares... at all.

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**Author's note : **hi hi, the next chapter is done. You know what you have to do... ;-)


	4. Running running

**Author's note : **I think I'm quicker to update this fic than the others. I think it's because the chapters are shorter... lol.

**Disclaimer :** I do not own Hannah Montana.

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**Solitary and Vulnerable, chapter 3**

After the party, Emma and I make our way back home. The ride is silent as Emma has fallen asleep on my lap. Sighing, I lean against the window and look at the streets outside. I run my fingers through Emma's dark hair wishing it was some blonde locks I was touching.

I think back about the party. I had finished talking to Lilly quickly because my dad was waiting for me. However, Lilly and I had time to agree to meet tomorrow at 10.30 a.m. for coffee. Ya know... to talk about the article. At least that's what we told each other. I wanted to ask her to grab lunch together, but seeing how the evening went and how the small conversation we had was awkward, I thought coffee would be safer. Lilly seemed to agree with me on that.

After one awkward wave goodbye, I made my way towards my dad and Emma, and I spent the rest of the time dancing with my girlfriend, talking business and looking around for Lilly. But I hadn't seen her once after our encounter. Maybe she had left. After all, her job was done for the night. And for those who're wondering, yes, I did offer to pay for the dry cleaning, thank you very much. And she accepted it.

I don't know how I feel about seeing Lilly again. I don't know whether I should feel happy or terrified. All I know is that I feel guilty. So so so guilty. I know I hurt her. I made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving like I did... or just leaving for that matter. I was supposed to be her bestfriend even though we were having a rough patch. Understatement of the year by the way. I was supposed to be her friend and I betrayed her. I'm actually surprised she acted so calm. Everytime I imagine seeing her again, I saw her ripping my hair off or torturing me slowly, or all sorts of nasty things I could think about at these times. But she was... cool... Ice cool... cold. And angry. But it wasn't this bad... thanks to her job. I'm sure if we would have bumped into each other randomly in the streets, the dozens scenarios I imagined would have happened. And I'm not talking about the one where we would have make up sex. No, I meant the other ones, much less pleasant, but more realistic.

Anyways, I was going to see her tomorrow... and even though it was technically to talk about the article, maybe I'll be able to apologize... Yes. I'll apologize, she will forgive me. We'll hug and kiss and live happily ever after with our friends the leprechauns. Note the sarcasm ! Sigh...

The car pulls up at the entrance of our building, and I shake Emma to wake her up. She groans but opens her eyes.

''No more champagne,'' she mumbles as she stands up and leans against me.

''That's what you say every time.''

''Yeah, but I mean it this time,'' she says sternly. I roll my eyes. So deja vu.

''Let's go home,'' I say instead. I step out and Emma follows me, stumbling towards me and griping my leather jacket for dear life. How can one drink have such an effect on her?! I say goodnight to Jerry and help my girlfriend home. At least, I don't have to find an excuse to say 'no' to sex tonight. I know, I sound horrible, but after seeing Lilly... I can't.

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The next day, the first thing I feel when I open my eyes is one heck of a headache. I didn't drink much, but apparently it was enough... When I get used to the light and the pain in my frontal lobe (yes, I still remember things from school thank you very much), the first thing I see is my alarm clock. 10.32 a.m. Sweet niblets, that can't be right. I never sleep this long. Even when I'm partying all night, I'm ready at dawn for a new day of hard work. And by work I mean concerts, photoshoots, interviews,... I scratch my head... why do I feel like I'm forgetting something? I tap my chin as I try to think... Ok, seriously, I feel like I have misplaced something or forget about something important. Damn...

I feel Emma move next to me, burying her head under her pillow with a loud groan. Dr Stewart's diagnosis : major headache... ''Em?'' I call my sleeping girlfriend. ''Emma?...'' All I get is another groan. ''Eeeem-maaaa!'' I say in an annoying voice. it always works...

''What!'' She says as she throws me a pillow and gives me a deathglare.

''I was wondering... Am I suppose to do something today?" I ask. I can feel myself frown. ''I can't remember...'' She gives me a look as if she couldn't believe what I was asking her. "What?" My frown deepens.

She rolls her eyes. Again, what? "Lilly, the journal, the article? Ring any bell?" she says clearly annoyed.

I think I just had a heart attack. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit ! Lilly ! Oh my god ! I'm sooo dead ! I am panicking. I roll over the bed, ready to get up and run to the bathroom and... Oww! Okay, I'm on the floor right now. My legs didn't seem to be able to untangle themselves from the sheet. I hate them in the morning. They can't do anything right. I groan as I stand back up and bam, here I am, facing the mirror right next to my closet. God, I don't look good... at all. Man... I'm late when I should spend at least two hours trying to repair this face of mine. Especially for Lilly. Sigh.

Stewart, so not the time to look at you and mope. Get a move on, I scold myself. I'm pretty good at that. I think about calling Lilly to tell I'm late, even though I'm sure she got that, but I realise I don't have her number. And I'm not even sure she would have picked up. I could call my dad who could call the journal to get Lilly's number. And then he could call her and say I have amnesia. It's a good reason to be late for a date, right? I know, I impress myself too! Sheesh, I need a new brain...

I run towards the bathroom without accident this time and jump into the shower. Then underwear, make up, perfume, jeans, tank top, hat, glasses, chucks, purse, and here I go, flying down the stairs. I've never been this quick to get ready. My dad would be so proud.

I arrive down the hall and I realise I didn't call Jerry to pick me up. This is not my morning. A cab will have to do. I barely raised my hand when one stops right in front of me. New York is amazing that way. I give the directions to the driver and here we go, finally.

I look at my watch : 11.10 a.m. I bounce my left leg as I bit my nails in nervousness. I really hope she's still there. I'll be almost one hour late when I'll get there.

''Finally!'' I exclaim as I see the coffee shop. I throw a few dollars to the driver and jump out of the car, not even waiting for it to stop completely. I run and enter the cafe, coming to an abrupt stop as I look around. I don't see her. Oh my god, I don't see her. Don't tell me...

''Hi, Miss Stewart?'' I hear someone says behind me.

I turn around. There's a waitress looking at me apologetically.

''Yeah...?''

''Sorry, but I have a note for you from the person you were supposed to meet.'' She says handing me a piece of paper. Is she sporting a scolding look? Looks like she is to me. It's not my fault if I didn't hear my alarm clock. Okay, it's totally my fault, but she's not supposed to know that. Besides, we don't judge people ! God, why can't I stop talking to myself about stupid things !

''She left?'' I ask, as my shoulders fall down in disappointment.

''Yes... I'm sorry.''

She is so not! You can totally tell! Her eyes ! They're lying! I'm getting really pissed now. How can she say she judges me when she doesn't know me. Ok, Stewart, you know you're not supposed to take your anger on people who didn't do anything to you. That's what my mother used to tell me when I was ten. How was I supposed to know that kicking a boy in the shin because I forgot my lunch at home wasn't a thing to do? Although, right now, this waitress is doing something to me : she's annoying me! That's gotta count for something, right? I mean I can kick her in the shin and get away with it...

''Thank you,'' I say instead. Can you believe it? I actually thanked her. I should get a medal or something for this.

I give the waitress a tight smile as she walks away (finally!) and read the note : ''Lizzie will call you.'' God, I feel like a loser. I had managed to screw up... again.

I fell down on a chair nearby. I don't even mind that a family is already sitting there. I can feel the little boy looking at me and then I see a little hand waving a piece of pancake in front of me. What other choice do I have than smile at his cuteness? I take it and smile at him. I blush a little as I see his parents looking at me. Thank god I'm not recognizable.

''What you're doing?'' The boy inquired curiously and he put another piece of pancake in his mouth.

''Charlie!'' Her mother exclaimed, horrified. ''Where are your manners?''

''No... it's okay,'' I smile at the mother. I turn back to the little boy. ''Well, Charlie...I was supposed to meet a friend here. But she left.''

''Oh, is your friend a petite blonde?'' the woman inquires.

''uh... yeah... why? Did you see her?''

''We did,'' the husband confirms. ''She was... uhm... angry.''

''Yeah, she made confettis with her napkin,'' Charlie adds, trying to be helpful. I bet she was imagining the napkin as my head... Damn. I blew up. You can say it too if you want. I know I did. I take off my glasses and lean my head against the table, defeated. Lilly will never accept to see me again. This was my only chance. After all these years I finally had the chance to talk to her and make things right, but noooo, I ruined everything.

''She waschh crhying tchoo,'' Charlie adds through a mouthful.

I snap my head back up and look at him dead in the eyes. ''What did you say?''

''She was crying,'' he repeats, shrugging. ''I saw her. She was trying to hide it. But I saw it. She cried and then she got angry. And she left.''

Oh boy... She was crying... I made her cry. I feel even worse. I can let things like this. I can't keep hurting her. I need to talk to her. I need to see her. I need to make things right. I need her back into my life. I really need her. I miss her so much. And just like that, I start crying. Long, hard sobs are shaking my body. My heart soars. I feel like I can't breathe. Oh god, I can't breathe. Lilly left me. For good. I can't make it up to her. How am I gonna live?

I feel Charlie hope onto my legs and soon his arms are wrapping around my neck. I bury my head into his little neck, hugging him tight.

''She's here,'' I hear him whisper in my ear. Wh... what? I pull back a little and look at him. He smiles. ''She's here.'' he repeats pointing out somewhere behind me. My heart stops and I slowly turn around. What is he saying? Who's here?

My breath catches in my throat as I see the blonde woman standing a few feet away from us... from me. Lilly. She's here. And she's looking at me. I know my eyes must be puffy red, and my cheeks soaking with my tears. I have a major headache coming too. But I don't care. I put Charlie down and I stand up as I wipe tears off my cheeks with my hands. Threwing cushions to the wind, I walk towards her and wrap her in a hug. I know she's not hugging me back, but I don't care. All I care about is that she's here.

''I thought you left!'' I tell her quietly.

''I did. But I came back. Forgot one of my bags.'' If I wasn't so overwhelmed by her scent, I would so totally say it was destiny's way to bring us back together.

I pull back a little and look at her. I give her a teary smile, but she doesn't smile back. I bite my lip self-consciouly. ''uhm... can we talk?''

''No.'' She says immediatly, trying to push her away around and away from me.

''Please, Lilly?'' I beg, grabbing her arm holding her back. I immediatly let it go though when I see the deathglare she's giving me, and I look at my feet. I know I'm on the verge of crying again. Must be because I didn't have my coffee that I'm not strong enough to face something so emotional... Or maybe it's because I'm trying to win back the love of my life and I'm scared shitless. ''I know I messed up... again.'' She snorts but I keep going, looking up at her with pleading eyes. ''but please, let me explain everything to you?''

''why should I?'' She snaps as she crosses her arms on her chest, a challenging look on her face.

''I... uh...'' yeah, why should she? Why should she give me a chance to explain myself? It's not like she never gave me one. I had her number and address all these years... I could have called, or write. Or I could have arrived on time this morning...

I take a deep breath. ''because I think I owe you an explanation after all these years. You deserve it. Because you need to understand what happened. Because I want us to be right again. Because I miss you. Because we were friends once, bestfriends, and I think we owe each other that much...'' I can see she's thinking about it and that she's almost ready to agree, but not quite. So I continue. ''And then, after I tell you everything if you still don't want to talk to me again, I'll understand and leave you alone... for good. I promise.'' God, I sure hope it won't come to that.

Lilly looks at me intently and I hold my breath. My heart is beating so fast. This is the moment where everything is going to change. For the better, or for worse. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do if she says 'no' or if she decides my explanation and apology are not enough for her...

''Okay...'' I hear her say.

''Okay?'' I ask bewildered. Did she really say okay?

''Okay.'' she nods.

I don't move and I'm pretty sure I just stop blinking. She wants to hear what I have to say. Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod. What am I going to say?

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**Author's note :** The chapter was a little bit longer. Finally ! Lol. It's another cliffy though... sorry :-) Next chapter is ready, you know what to do guys !!


	5. Confessions of a broken heart

**Author's note :** Thaaaaaaaaaank you for the reviews ! Awesome awesome awesome !!!!

I knew I said the chapter was ready. And I was... till my laptop decided it was its time to die... Didn't even give me a notice... So yeah, I basically had to rewrite this chapter. Sorry for the wait...

**Disclaimer :** I do not own Hannah Montana.

* * *

**Solitary and Vulnerable, Chapter 4**

I remember what I used to love most about Lilly. Her eyes. Her beautiful blue eyes. They were always so expressive. And every time she looked at me, even when we were fighting, I could still see she loved me, that I meant something in her life. That I was important.

But when I look into them now, I don't see any of that. In fact, it's like looking into a black hole. Darkness. Emptiness. I shudder. This Lilly scares me. It's not a good thing, right?

''So? Are you going to say anything?'' I hear Lilly say. ''The quicker we get it over with, the quicker we're out of each other's life.''

I stare at her blankly. Way to put me in the mood...

"I don't know where to start..." Okay, it's not that bad, Stewart. You could have said something worse. I see Lilly roll her eyes. It makes me look down. I know my cheeks are turning pink.

"This is ridiculous," Lilly groans as she stands up. Wait, where is she going?

"What are you doing?" I panic. God, she's going to leave again. And she will never come back. And I'll be doomed to a life of sadness and tears and anger. And I'll be all depressed. And then the world will end... I know what y'all are thinking, but I swear, I'm not a drama queen.

"I'm gonna get a coffee," she shrugs. "Looks like we're gonna be here for a while."

She heads towards the counter and I'm too busy letting out a breath, in my head, that I don't check her out as she walks away. Mature, right?

Lilly being away means it gives me a few more minutes to collect my thoughts. I thought it would be easier to explain why I left. I mean, I did explain it to myself like a million times! I rest my face in my hands, trying to sort everything out. I know my story. I know why I left. But I also know what makes sense to me doesn't necessarily make sense to every one else. I hurt a lot of people and I'm not sure I'll be able to explain why I had to hurt them this much. I don't know if they can understand, especially Lilly.

I see an orange-ish mug being put down on the table. I look up and I see Lily sit down. "Hey," I say.

Lilly raises an eyebrow as she takes her mug and then a sip of her beverage. But she doesn't say anything. She's waiting and she's acting calm, almost indifferent. But I know she cares. I know because I see her leg bouncing. But I know mostly because she's still here while she could have left a long time ago.

"So erm... I should start talking," I squeak. Don't roll your eyes, Lilly! I'm trying here! "I told you I didn't know where to start..." I can fill my brows furrow as I start to replay all the events of those days. "There's so many things you need to know. And it's all jumbled up. It's all confusing. But, when you think about it, it all comes down to this: Jake Ryan killed me and I ran away." Lilly frowns. "I know I'm not making any sense," I rush out, "But I will, soon." She nods.

I take a deep breath. Here I go. I'm finally going to be able to set things straight, no pun intended, with Lilly. I've dreamed about it for a long time. I've feared it a long time too. To be honest, I don't know which one I've done most... All I know is that now is my only chance. Our future depends on the conversation. It depends on me. I know they are unshed tears in my eyes and I will them not to fall as I open my mouth to finally let out the words that took seven years to be spoken.

"I think... I think the moment I lost you wasn't when I left Malibu. I think it happened the day my secret got out." I take a deep breath to control my emotions. "I felt... I felt like I was d-dead," I stumble.

"What do you mean?" Lilly asks. For once, her voice is not bitchy and it relieves me.

"I was Miley Stewart, Seaview highschool's dork. But the day people discovered I was also Hannah Montana, Miley disappeared. Remember when I told you about the crazy dream I had one night? When I dreamed that I was Hannah all the time?" Lilly nods. "That's how it felt. It was my nightmare come true. I didn't exist anymore, I was just Hannah Montana all the time! People didn't ask how was my weekend anymore. They asked if they could have tickets for my next show. I couldn't trust anyone because I didn't know if they reall wanted to talk to the real me or not. I was becoming paranoid, always thinking they wanted something from me."

I pause, swallowing hard. That was the prologue. The hard stuff is coming. I look at the table and squeeze my eyes shut, trying to calm my heart.

"But that was not the worst part," I say quietly. I look up at her and make eye contact. "The worst part was what it did to you and Oliver."

Lilly looks down but I had time to see the hurt flash in her eyes. I swallow the lump in my throat. I need to be strong just a few more minutes. I won't break down before I say everything.

"People treated you like dirt. They were jealous and just plain mean. Some of them even broke into your house to find some stuff you could have about me!" Lilly cringes at the memory. She had came home one night after school and she had found the window of the back of her house wide open. "And you became stalk and harassed. People wanted to talk to you, to befriend you so they could get closer to me. Journalists kept coming to your house or calling, to ask for interviews,...

"Till the day we all end up stay locked into our respective home. Door locked and blinds down. We even missed class for a week. We talked on the phone and I could hear the sadness and the anger you had. You blamed me for everything that happened."

"We didn't blame you," Lilly interjects quickly, straightening up.

I scoff. "Please..."

"No, Miley, it's true! We never did. It wasn't your fault. It was Jake's. Yes, we were angry; but not at you."

I shake my head. I don't want to hear her side of the story now. Otherwise, I won't be able to continue. "can you just... let me finish explain? I can't hear what you have to say before I'm done. It's too hard..." Lilly slumps back into her chair, obviously respecting my choice.

"I felt like you were blaming me. And you were right. I was the one that always vow to protect our life, to keep it as real as always. But I failed. We didn't have our lives anymore. I could have dealt with it if it would have been just mine. But there were yours and Olivers. I failed you. I failed as a friend. I wanted to make it right. And the only choice I had was to let you free. Stop being friends with you. So, I pushed you away and... to my biggest surprise, you didn't fight."

I feel a tear slid down my cheek and I quickly wipe it off with my sleeve. I glance quickly at Lilly and immediately look back down. "I know I said I didn't want us to be friends because I thought it was the best solution, but in the back of my mind, I always thought you would knock some sense into me, like you always did and I'd realize I was being stupid. But you didn't. You didn't try to come back. I didn't blame you though. I knew you couldn't live this life. I made up Hannah for this reason. But it hurt. It's like... you didn't care about me anymore. Like what we had never mattered to you."

I see Lilly make a move to talk, but I don't let her. "So I ended up being alone... for real. At school I saw you guys at your lockers, but I couldn't go to you. I was always surrounded by people I didn't want to know. Little by little, I stopped caring. I stopped feeling. It was easier this way. Robots don't feel pain. They don't care for life. My dad was becoming depressed too. He couldn't bare the sight of me like this and he couldn't stand all the media's attention. He suggested that I get homeschooled. Which I did. I didn't have any forms of contact with the outside world except for my teacher. I didn't get out of the house anymore. No more sun, no more beach, no more movies, no more concerts. Nothing. I remember one morning how I noticed my skin usually tanned at turn a ghostly white. And when I looked into the mirror, empty eyes were staring at me. I was officially dead inside."

I stay silent, letting what I say sink in. Lilly seems to grow agitated. Probably because she knows what's coming next.

"The next morning, the first thing I did was to ask my dad to leave Malibu." I see Lilly tighten her jaw. She's getting angry. How could she not be? "I couldn't do it anymore. We needed to hide, heal, start over. It was best for everyone..."

"You only thought about what was best for you," she snapped matter-of-factly.

I flinch. And she sees it. I can tell by the look of shame in her eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say it that way."

"Yes you did... but it's okay." I look down at the table, playing with the napkin. More like tearing it apart. I feel like she's doing the same thing with my heart. Everything she says lately is meant to hurt me. Everything she says is like a stab. With everything she says a piece of my heart shatters.

"Maybe I did. I made a decision. I made it to protect myself yes. But it wasn't selfish. It was anything but this. Because I did it to protect you too. To give you back your old life..."

"But I didn't want it back!" Lilly cried.

I look at her bewildered. I sooo didn't expect the outburst. I think the mug now shattered on the floor can testify of that.

"How can you say that... that... running away without saying goodbye would make everything right again! How can you believe that a life without you would be worth living!" Her lips are shaking and I can see her eyes burn with such sadness and pain. It's the first time I feel she's letting me in.

And what she said... Heart breaking. I knew she loved me back then, but I never knew it was this much. Maybe she's right. Maybe I was selfish. I was blind to the depth of her suffering because I thought I knew everything. And now, here she is, broken, in front of me. She looks so fragile. It's a complete different Lilly I've seen during these last twenty hours. She looks more human. The facade she had broke down. The mask came off. Now I'm seeing her. And she's showing me the pain I caused her.

"Lilly..." I try to make a move to hold her hand but she pulls away. She squeezes her eyes shut and takes deep long breaths. She's calming down, I can see it. I can feel it too because somehow, my heart beats slows down as I watch her regaining control of herself. What can I say, I'm connected to her. I look down at the table, waiting for her to speak.

''You have to understand something, Miley," She says in a softer voice. It makes me look up because I know she's going to say something important. "At that point in time, you were my universe.''

_were_... she said 'were' right?

"And when you left, I felt like I lost everything. You were my best friend."

were... here you go again. I hate past tense.

"You were the one person that could understand me. I trusted you. I loved you. Even when it all fell apart. Especially then... But when you left, you took everything with you. Without looking back. You betrayed us. You betrayed our friendship."

I swallow. Hard. And I cry.

"I was soooo mad, you have no idea. I cursed you. I despised you. I threw everything that reminded me of you. I erased you of my life. I did everything I could to forget I even knew you once."

Wow, harsh. Hurts like hell. Tears keep coming, even harder now. And the pain in my heart? Unbearable.

"But you know what? It never worked. Despited all the hatred I had for you, I still loved you. You know, I actually tried to look for you." She did? "For months. I even convinced my mom to hire a private detective." Wow. "But I guess when you say you didn't want to be found, by anyone, you really meant it. So, one night, after the detective told us for the nth time he didn't have anything, I stopped. I finally gave in. I accepted the fact you had thrown us away. You were dead to me. I had to move on. And I did. At least I thought I did, till yesterday."

I frown. What does she mean? She thought she did, but she didn't. Is she saying that she still loves me? That she wants us to be friends? What?

"I haven't moved on. Last night, all this anger rushed back at me. And now that you explained everything, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted of my heart. But I just don't know what it means... " She looks down at her hands as she continues. "I know I can't trust you anymore, and I can't forgive you for what you did. But I understand."

I wipe some of my tears away. "So erm, where does that leave us?" I ask quietly.

I want to know. But I fear the answer. I see Lilly bite her lip and look away, obviously in deep thought. She was thinking about it... What did she want us to be? Friends? Acquaintance? Nothing?

She's looking at me now. Very intently. I can't read her but I know she made a decision. I see her lips move. I'm not even sure I will be able to hear her. My heart beats are deafening.

"I want us to work on the article together. And we'll see how it goes from there."

I nod. And I smile a teary smile. I can't help it. She basically just said she was giving us a chance. My tears continue to fall, but I'm pretty sure they just turned into happy tears.

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**Author's note :** Let me know what you thought about this chapter !!


	6. Awkward

**Author's note : **Thanks for all the reviews ! Makes me want to write more !

**Disclaimer :** Me no own Hannah Montana.

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**Solitary and Vulnerable, chapter 5**

It's been ten minutes since neither of us said anything. It's awkward. I stopped crying a few minutes ago. Lilly had kept drinking her coffee. We glanced at each other. We looked around the room. We pretty much did it all except for talking... It's so weird. When we were in high school, we just couldn't shut up. And we were comfortable around each other. There was no heavy silence... I guess it just can't go back to the way it was... Not right now.

Lilly decides to put us out of our misery when she gets up. "I have to go to the journal."

I nod. I don't know what to say? Bye? Thanks for not killing me? "It was... good... to see you... again." I stutter. God, that was so lame !

"Yeah... I guess we needed it..." she says, her hands going inside her pockets. She used to do that when she was nervous. Aww, I'm making her nervous. "Okay, well, I'm going. Bye." she quickly turns around and walks away. I look down at the table. I don't even know why. Yes, okay, I know why. I just want to pretend I'm not addicted to her body. I want to prove to myself I'm able to find a table more interesting than her perfect shaped tight ass...

"Oh, Miley, I forgot to give you this." My head snaps up and I see her walking back towards the table and hands me a white piece of paper.

Oh. My. God! She's giving me her phone number ! I'm so ecstatic I could pull her into a happy dance. Which I don't do, because I think she might pull my arms off and beat me with them. She gives me small polite smile and heads out.

I quickly grab my cellphone, eager to enter Lilly's number to make sure I don't lose it. I open the paper and enter : 57.80... dollars? What?! I stop typing and look closely at the paper. You guessed it, it's not her phone number. It's her dry cleaning bill. I lean my head on the table and groan in frustration and maybe embarrassment. What was I thinking?

"So? How did it go?" Emma asks as soon as I step into the apartment.

"It went well," I answer vaguely. Is it weird that I don't want to talk to her?

Emma visibly understands it because she doesn't push. Or maybe she doesn't care. Nah, she always cares. She's great that way. In fact, to be honest, she's great in many other ways. She's great at cooking, listening, singing in the shower, giving massage, making me feel better. And she's good in bed. Too much information?

I wonder what Lilly is like in bed... Sweet niblets! I didn't just think that! It wasn't me, I swear. I have no control over my libido. I apologize.

I take a sit next to Emma and kiss her. What? I'm in love with Lilly but it doesn't mean I don't love Emma! Besides, Emma gives me butterflies too! Okay, it's more like a tingle. A very very light tingle. But still, it's tingling. And Emma loves me back, whereas Lilly... Well Lilly doesn't despise me as much as before. And let me pay for her dry cleaning. But that's pretty much it.

The kiss deepens and soon, I'm being lied down on the couch, the brunette on top of me, ravaging my neck. I love when she does that. I wonder how Lilly's lips would feel on my neck... Is it weird that I'm thinking about Lilly when I kiss her?

I hear Emma mumble something about tomorrow but I don't pay attention. I'm too far gone into Lillyland and what she would do to me. I hope I won't scream the wrong name...

* * *

The next morning, I wake up to an empty bed. Emma probably went out jogging or something. She does it almost every morning. I get up and take a quick shower. I don't know I have planned for today. Usually, my dad or Emma reminds me. I guess I'll ask her when she comes back.

I put on my bra and underwear and step into some expensive light blue jeans. I decide on a dark red long sleeved shirt to go with it. I put it on while

I start growing agitated when I realize that I somehow put my head in the wrong hole, one of my arm in the hole for the head and the other in its correct place. At least, one of them is correct. Did I ever mention that I'm a klutz in the morning?

I pull on the sleeve to take it out of my head, but let me tell you, it's difficult. Especially since I only have one good arm, the other being completely stuck. "Come on, you stupid shiiiiirt,"

I gesticulate, move around, contort myself, jump (we never know with shirts), I do it all to shake this stupid thing off of me, but it doesn't work. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm stuck! And, as if it wasn't enough, I'm panting and sweating because of all this pointless effort! I try one last time, I've always been an optimist, and finally give in. Emma's not here to save me. I pause and think. What would MacGiver do if he were me? I would tape my chin in contemplation if I could, but as you remember, both my arms are unavailable. I think I need scissors. Which are in the kitchen.

Now, I just have to go to the kitchen, without being able to see anything... God... I can't even go to the bathroom during the night without knocking my foot on something... how am I supposed to go this far when I'm blind !! I start walking cautiously and hit the wall. Right. I guess it's the other way. Bam. Nope, not this one. Okay here we go. One. Two... Ten steps. I'm out of the bedroom. I stumble down the corridor. I take a few more steps and I soon feel the carpet beneath my feet. Living room ladies and gentlemen!

''Miley?''

I stop dead in my tracks. Did I just hear a voice?

"God is that you?" No response.

Oh no, I'm starting hallucinating. My brain has been deprived too long of sensory stimuli to function properly!

''Miley?''

Here it goes again... It's funny, it sounded just like...

''Lilly?'' I call, my voice muffle by the shirt.

"Miley? What are you doing?" I hear another voice, Emma's, say on my right.

Lilly and Emma. Am I standing in front of two people almost naked with my arms and head stuck in my shirt?

"Miss Stewart... Nice to meet you."

Okay, make that three.

"Erm... hi?" I say through the shirt.

How come I didn't hear them? I know the apartment is big, but really I must be deaf. Blind and deaf. I feel two hands grab my arm and the shirt and, with some magic trick, the person manages to put the shirt off of me. I blink at the light and suddenly see three faces staring at me : a bewildered Lilly, another amused blonde, and a blushing Emma. Why is she blushing? I should be the one blushing!

I'm mortified, embarrassed and anything in between. But I have to be honest... don't judge me for this but, I have to say, it was worth it. Coz, you know what? I just caught Lilly's eyes wandering on my chest and my toned stomach. She seems a little flushed too. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Just the thought of it... mmmm.

"Honey,..." Emma says. I look at her. "your shirt..." Oh right. My shirt. Must be put on. I think I'm blushing. Again.

"So erm... what are you all doing here?" I ask to trying to ease up the tension.

"The article? Remember? I told you yesterday Rachel and Lilly would come over today to start working on it."

Oh, right... She told me when I was busy dreaming about Lilly's body. ''I forgot?'' I say sheepishly.

Emma smiles and gives me a peck on the forehead. "Why am I not surprised? I guess you were too busy thinking about something else," she says coyly, referring to our little session on the couch. If only she knew...

"Yeah... that must be it," I lie. I try to look at Lilly, but she's looking out the window.

"So anyways, we're here to work on the article. It's not going to focus on your life as a singer..."

I frown. "No?" Then what's the point in doing an article?

"It's going to be about you and Emma, as a famous gay couple, and how it affects your life... But it will be mosty about who Miley Stewart was in high school? I know you don't want to talk about Hannah Montana but..."

That's right. I never did once mention her in any interviews. Journalists knew it was a taboo. They used to try to get me to spill some things, but they gave up after a while. I can be stubborn...

"Erm, about that..." Emma says, immediately jumping into my defense.

"No, it's okay!" I say. Emma is looking at me, wide eyed. I'm pretty sure if I could look at myself wide eyed, I would too.

"Really? You mean, you are ready to talk about your past as Hannah Montana, for the first time in years?" Rachel beamed. "My God! I'm so gonna get a raise!"

I see Lilly looking at me strangely. She seems a little worried too. I guess she's afraid she's going to get exposed. I'm surprised Rachel didn't recognize her. I mean, she was famous when the Hannah scandal broke through... She was known as Hannah's best friend. Oliver was too.

"One condition though... I'm free to not respond to any of these questions if I feel they're too personal," I demande.

"Deal!" Rachel nods. "God, this is gonna be so great!"

* * *

Thirty minutes later, we're all sitting in the living room, Lilly and Rachel on two armchairs and Emma and I in the couch in front of them. I just finished telling them how dating Jake Ryan was the biggest mistake of my life.

"So Jake Ryan could be the one that turned you gay?" Rachel jokes.

"Nah... I guess he just helped me realise it sooner..."

"You knew you were gay in high school?" Lilly frowns.

Whoops... "I... er... kinda?"

"Kinda? Yes or no?" Lilly has this look that dares me to lie to her... again.

"Yes," I say firmly, showing her I'm not going to keep the truth from her.

"Since you knew you were gay well before Emma..." Rachel jumps in. She sends Lilly a look, clearly disapproving of her asking the question. "was she the first girl you ever loved?" she asks, ready to write down the answer.

I gulp. How do I answer that? Lie? Truth? Somewhere in between? I look at Emma and I see her smile at me, confidence in her eyes. She thinks she's the first girl I've ever loved. But she's not. I gulp again when I lock eyes with Lilly. She's looking deep inside my eyes. So much, that I feel even more exposed than when I was standing only in my bra.

I can't not respond to this question, otherwise, Emma will be hurt and suspicious. But I can't tell the truth because I don't want to hurt Lilly or Emma... or myself for that matter.

"So? Was she?" Rachel pushes.

God... What to do, what to do...

* * *

**Author's note :** Verdict, guys?


	7. Taking a step

**Author's note :** First of all, I'm an soooo sorry for not updating :-( But thanks for the reviews !!!

Why this long break? I had my finals and then I took a few days away... and I needed to have my muse back. I think she is... :-) Hopefully !

**Disclaimer :** I do not own Hannah Montana.

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**Solitary and Vulnerable, Chapter 6**

"Yes, the first girl I ever loved is right here, in this room." Ambiguous enough to not let the truth reveal itself. And, it's also the truth... part of it, but still! No lie! Well done Stewart. I'm quite proud of myself.

I feel Emma squeeze my hand in happiness and I look at her, but my heart goes to Lilly.

Crisis avoided!

"So, it's Emma then?" Rachel asks, just to be sure... or maybe just to be really annoying.

This is a 'yes' or 'no' question, isn't it?

If I say 'no', a lot of things might happen : one, Lilly decides to cut me out off her life. Two, she decides she loves me too and we live happily ever after with Emma. Three, I say I loved her, past tense, and say I moved on and love Emma, which is half of a lie.

If I say 'yes,' I'd be lying to everyone, even to myself. And that would be another thing I keep from Lilly. I can't lie to her again. Even if she will probably never know the truth if I don't tell her 'cause nobody knows about it, but me.

Do I have a conscience? I'd like to think I do, mind you.

So, the real question is : do I want to lie to Lilly or to Emma for that matter? No.

And that's what I'm going to say.

"... No."

"No? She's not?" Rachel frowns.

"No, she's not." I feel Emma tense besides me. Uh-oh, maybe I should backtrack. I shouldn't have chosen to be honest ! It never works when I do. Maybe I could say I had a crush on some senior girl...

"But you said she was in the same room..." Rachel points out.

I did say that. Sweet niblets! Bye bye senior girl... "Y-yes, I-I did. I guess." I stutter. First sign of guilt? Is it hot in here?

"Then, if it's not Emma, wh..." I see a flash of realization lighten the journalist's features and I think my cheeks are flushing red. "Oh. My. God! I can't believe it!" She gasps. She turns towards Lilly. "Why didn't you tell me you went to school with Miley Stewart!"

But Lilly doesn't answer. She doesn't move. She doesn't blink. I think I broke her...

I glance at Emma. She's not blinking either... But the thing is with Emma, when she doesn't blink, it doesn't mean that she's shell shocked. It means that she's scary mad. And I'm sure she's mad right now because, in addition to the not blinking thing, she's squeezing my hand pretty hard. Actually, I think I just heard one of my bones crack. I think people in China heard it too. I try to take my hand back, but Emma doesn't let go. In fact, she tightens her grip. I think I'm gonna cry.

"Er, Emma, honey?" I ask sweetly trying to not show any sign of pain, "can I have my hand back? Please?"

Here she goes. She's looking at me. I mean, glaring at me. Semantics right?

I let out a sigh of relief when I feel her release my hand. I clutch it, massaging it. It's all tingly from the blood rushing back to my hand. I hope I can still play guitar, or you know, please women... or you know... myself.

Anyways, back on track.

My survival instincts kick in. I decide to move a little away from Emma and sit at the end of the couch. Emma doesn't seem to mind.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I hear suddenly. Lilly.

"What?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" she repeats. She has a confused look on her face. At least, she's not angry. Or at least, not yet...

"I.. I didn't know how to tell something like this..." I'm uncomfortable. We shouldn't be talking about it in front of Emma and even less in front of a journalist. We shouldn't be talking about this at all. I'm not ready to tell her that I love her. That I've always had. I thought I was, but I'm not.

Lilly doesn't reply, so I look at my hands. I'm seriously regretting to admit I loved someone else before Emma.

"I need to get some fresh air," Emma says suddenly. She jumps up and makes a bee-line towards the front door. She didn't even look my way. Not once. I know I shouldn't whine or feel hurt about it because she has some pretty good reasons to be mad at me. I lied to her after all. I've been lying to her for four years... but still...

The door slams. She left. It hurts.

I glance at Rachel who happens to be staring at me. She has a thoughtful expression on her face.

''I heard you had a ranch in Tennessee...'' I nod. Off topic much?

Where was she going with this? Especially now? Ooooh, she's trying to ease down the atmosphere... I appreciate the effort. I'd give her a cookie if I had one. Emma doesn't want us to eat junk food. Sigh...

''Your manager and I had this idea..." Rachel continues. "I was wondering if it would be possible to spend a few days there together...We thought it would be a wonderful asset to portray the real Miley Stewart. It's your natural environment after all." I can't help but notice she seems to sport a mischievous look. I used to have this look when I came up with those crazy plans in highschool to get everything I wanted... except Lilly.

I don't know what to say. "My da- I mean _manager_ said that?"

"Actually, he was the one to suggest it..."

"Really?"

"uh-huh."

"I don't know about this..."

"Why not?"

"It's too personal..."

"That's the point..."

"But I don't want people to know everything about me..."

"Not everything... it's not a free pass to your private life."Rachel points out.

"Feels like it."

"But it's not."

I wish Emma was here. She would have known what I should do. But my dad seems to be okay with it. Heck, he even is the big brain in all of this. But I'm not sure. I tried really hard to protect my private life these last few years. I don't want to relive the same thing I did with Hannah. I really don't.

"There's a catch though." Rachel says making me frown, although I shouldn't be surprised. There's always a catch... "I have another appointment that came up. I can't miss it. My job's on the line. The photograph is hired and is still coming if you want to do it, but Lilly will be in charge for one day, instead of me. You'll just be left alone for one day and a night. I didn't think there would be any problems with this... until now..." Rachel scratches the back of her neck, clearly sorry. Or maybe she's a good manipulator. You pick.

A weekend with Lilly. Together and alone... mostly. Interesting... That could almost make me say 'yes'. I know the situation is not great right now. And that's why it would be great to spend time just together and talk everything through. Even though it could end up with me, screaming around the house with a chasing blonde fury behind me, a knife in her hand.

"So, if you don't wanna do it, it's fine. It would be a great loss, but you're free to chose whatever you want."

Do I want to do it? I'm pretty sure I do. Emma would kill me if she knew. Or maybe not. After all, she doesn't know I still love Lilly. For now, she's just angry I lied to her every time I said she was the first woman I loved.

"I guess I'm in... but only if Lilly is okay with it." I look hopefully at my ex best friend.

I see her sigh and look apologetically at Rachel. Oh no, she's gonna say 'no'... "Can you leave us a second?" phew !

Rachel smiles and stands up. "You can help yourself with something in the kitchen if you want..." I say. She smiles politely and walks away.

I wait for Lilly to talk, but she doesn't. I thought she had something to tell me. I mean you don't ask someone to leave a room just for the fun to watch them walk away. Okay maybe if that person was Lilly, I would have done it plenty of times... I mean look at this butt. Round, perky, perfect. Sigh.

"So err... this is awkward, uh?" I say. Laaaaame!

Lilly rubs her forehead. "Yeah... it is."

"I didn't mean to put you in that position... I didn't plan to reveal the big secret today... or ever..." I mumble the last part. I look down but I know Lilly is looking at me. I feel it.

''Are you mad?'' I ask and then bite my lip. Emma would have slapped if she had seen that. She doesn't think it's sexy. I personally think seeing a woman bite her lips while making love is sooooo hot ! I can almost picture Lilly writhing beneath me, biting her bottom lip in pure bliss and to not attract attention on us... Yes, coz we're in the highschool bathroom... That was one of my numerous fantasies back then... sigh.

"Hey Lilly, what do you think about women biting their lips while they're doing it?" Have I told you when I'm nervous I tend to say whatever comes through my mind? Damn... Lilly looks at me her mouth agape. "I mean, some people think it's hot, and well... hum... shh. I..." I groan and take a deep breath. "I'm going to shut up now and call the men in blacks. Word is they still used their little pen thingy with the red light to erase memory. I'll get it, use it on you, and we'll forget about my blonde moment." gasp. "I mean, not that blondes are stupid, cause ya' know, you're blonde and you're very smart. It was just a saying and-"

And then something makes me stop. A giggle. A laugh. Lilly is laughing. I see her smile at me goofily. I get to see a glimpse of the old Lilly. And all my embarrassment goes away. Wanna know why? Cause I'd gladly embarrass myself everyday in front of her or thousands of people as long as I get to see her like this. She's beautiful.

"I'm sorry." I smile. "You make me nervous, hence the stupidity. It's not contagious I swear."

"Yeah, I figured... otherwise I would have been contaminated in highschool," she smirks.

I snort. "I wasn't the one who basically yelled across the cafeteria that Jimmy Coldwell had a fine apple ass!"

"Hey! You promised you'd never mention it again!" Lilly whines. I snicker. Can't help it.

It feels good to laugh with her. The laughter slowly subsides and our eyes find each other. I look into her eyes and she's staring right back at me. We're having a moment. I think. She seems to search my eyes for some kind of answer, and I'm pretty sure I'm doing the same thing, although, I'm sure the questions we're silently asking are the same...

I give her a small smile and look down when the intensity of her look becomes too much. I take a deep breath to calm my rapidly beating heart and look up at her shyly.

"So, what do you wanna do now? Wanna go to the ranch together?" I ask hopefully.

"I guess..." She shrugs. She seems a little hesitant. "I mean, we have a lot to talk about..."

I start feeling giddy. Maybe she will admit her undying love for me there... I mean, the ranch is pretty romantic. We could start fresh. No lies, no Emma, no celebrity hassles. Just Lilly and me. Getting sidetracked again. Sorry.

"But Miley, I need to tell you something first." I nod encouraging her silently. She's bitting her lips, like when she's trying to figure out how to tell me something I don't want to hear. "There's something you don't know..." My heart suddenly starts beating like crazy. You know why? Cause I can feel that what Lilly is about to say, is going to hurt me more than anything ever did in the past. Or even kill me. She has this look. The look saying she's sorry.

"I'm engaged."

See? Time of death : 11.34 am.

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**Author's note :** another cliffy ! I know! It's almost Liley time though. Well, not Liley Liley, but Liley... know what I'm saying? No? I guess you'll know after the next chapter ! Lol


	8. That hurts

**Author's note :** I thought you would have given up on this story ! To those who didn't : THANK YOU ! As promised, the first update of this Summer for this story ! It should have been posted last weekend, but I went on vacation. It was a last minute thing. So I wrote this yesterday when I got back. And I started my job today. So busy I am, but I'll try to keep my promise.

For those you didn't know, I also updated "start all over"

**Disclaimer :** I do not own anything but the story and the beta characters.

* * *

**Solitary and vulnerable, chapter 7  
**

She's engaged. Lilly is engaged. She's getting married...

"But... But...But you're not wearing a ring!" I blurt out. That's not the best thing I could have said. I can think of a better one : Congratulations. But I don't want to congratulate her. I don't want to pretend I'm happy about this little news 'cause I sure as hell am not!

"Well, I'm the one that proposed. So I'm not the one wearing it..." Lilly replies as she plays with her fingers.

"You mean, HE is wearing the engagement ring?" A guy does that? I snort. Can't help it... She proposed to him. What's next? She's gonna get him pregnant? Ha! Wait...

Pause.

Think.

"oh my god!" I gasp. "You're pregnant aren't you?!"

"Wh..."

"That is why you're engaged, right? He got you pregnant!"

"Miley..."

"I can't believe it! Lilly Truscott, soon to be mother!"

"Miley!"

I think I continue rambling and pacing for a while before I feel something hit my face.

"'What the?" I ask, looking bewildered at the cushion on the floor.

"Sorry... but I didn't know how to stop you..."

_Well, I could have thought of other ways...she just had to ask!_

I go to say something but Lilly is quick to cut me off. Actually she threatens me with another cushion. I close my mouth and look down.

"Okay... So first, I'm not pregnant. Pregnancy isn't the only reason two people get married."

"I know that..." I mumble under my breath. I'm pretty sure I look like a child getting reprimanded.

"And second..."

Lilly pauses.

I look up. She seems hesitant...

"Second?" I push. What's the big deal. She already told me she's engaged. What could be worse?

"I... uh. The person I'm getting married to is... a girl."

…

Thud.

...

Yep, that was me.

Trying to sit down on the couch at hearing this...

and miserably failing...

"Oh my god! Are you okay?!" Lilly exclaims as she rushes towards me... who's lying on the floor. But I don't answer.

'Cause you see, my brain has totally gone blank. I can't feel anything, not even the bruise quickly forming on my butt.

This is too much information. Too much at a time. Lilly is gay, in love and getting married.

"So, made a decision yet?" Rachel interrupts us.

She just came back from the kitchen. Looks like she's eating some cereals. There's some milk on her chin. I hope it's not my captain crunch. It's the only goodies I can have. Yeah... Emma...

Lilly and I look at each other. Have we made a decision? I don't know. I mean, maybe we should talk about this... and maybe there could be two decisions made : one, whether or not I want to go to the ranch with her, and two, whether or not Lilly really wants to get married to... her. Maybe she was drunk when she proposed or when she decided to kiss a girl... wait, no. Kissing a girl is good... as long as that girl is me. Am I spacing out?

Lilly and Rachel are looking at me expectantly. Guess so...

Now should I be the bigger person and show her how evolve I can be about this thing? I mean, I have no right to be mad or upset that she's engaged. It's not like I have feelings for her... that she knows of. It would be... inappropriate. Besides, we're not even friends anymore.

...

Oh right... and there's Emma. My girlfriend. Whom I am supposed to love. Sorry. I forgot. Lilly tends to do that to me. When she's in the room, I forget everything else.

They're still looking at me. It's a little creepy actually.

"So? Miss Stewart? Are you in?" Rachel presses.

I sigh heavily and get up. Oh boy, I hope I won't regret this. "Yes... I'm going."

"Fabulous!" Rachel squeals, clapping her hands together. "This weekend is going to be great!"

"Wait?! This weekend?" I shriek.

It is way too quick ! I need time to wrap my head around everything. Especially the gay thing. And the engagement thing. I feel nauseous just thinking about it... Oh god, I feel a wave of panic rushing through me.

But panicking is good because now, I can smell Lilly. Yes, she's standing right next to me.

"Miley, you're okay?"

Dare I say it, but she sounds like she cares about me. Yay me !

The wave of nausea is leaving me... maybe I should pretend I'm feeling worse so you know, she can come closer and see how I'm feeling... closer. Should I faint? Or maybe...

Oh boy, her hand is on my shoulder. Don't shiver, don't shiver, don't shiver.

"Miley?" she squeezes my shoulder. Sweet niblets, I should have worn a tank top. Skin on skin action. Sigh.

She drops her hand. Damn, I feel cold now. Pout.

"Not really?" I finally let out. Okay, that sounded more like a question... "I think I need to sit down for a while."

"Okay. Here. Let me help you."

Lilly's all sweet. She leads me to the couch, which is like right behind me. So she only really just pushes me down, but still. She's sweet.

She kneels in front of me. Her eyes look so warm. Like the Lilly I used to know. The one that didn't hate me. "Want some water too?"

I shake my head 'no'. Lilly puts her hand on my arm and I feel the need to look at it. To look at HER hand on MY skin. The tingles. The goosebumps.

"Was it too much for you?" I hear Lilly say quietly.

I raise an eyebrow, not understanding. "What?"

"What I told you... I mean, I get it. I'm gay and engaged. And we just got back in each other's life a few days ago..."

"Lilly, it's fine... I..." But I don't know how to continue. I don't know what to say.

I have a headache... and a heartache.

Lilly sighs. She gets up and turns to Rachel apologetically. "Rachel, can you leave us a sec?"

"hum, yeah sure."

We both watch Rachel leave and stay silent for a while after she disappeared.

Lilly scratches her chin and sits beside me. I won't talk first and she seems to know it. She gives me a sideway glance.

"I know we have a lot to talk about Miley." I nod. "And we will." I nod again. "This weekend."

I think I whimper. I'm a little scared. What will happen then? What will be said? I don't think I can tell Lilly the truth. That I've loved her for a very long time. What's the point? Lilly is getting married. I don't have a chance with her. I love her, but she loves someone else. This weekend in the ranch is going to be a pain in the ass...

"I have a lot of questions for you," she keeps going. "and you probably have a lot of them too. Especially now."

That's right, I do. But I'm not sure I want to know the answers. I mean sometimes, it's just better to know nothing, you know?

To protect ourselves and pretend nothing happened.

To maintain our denial.

To help us survive.

I nod stupidly again.

"Okay. Well, I think we should get going."

"kay." I say in a small voice.

She gets up and calls Rachel, who appears with a chocolate bar in her hand. Sweet niblets, I thought I hid those ! Hey ! When you have a girlfriend who's merciless with sweets, you do what you need to do !

I point the finger at Rachel. "You owe me one..."

She smiles cheekily. "Three actually."

This girl's got some nerves... I like her !

Lilly smiles but she stops when she catches my eyes and becomes... distant. She waves awkardly "Well, uhm... bye then."

and... she leaves the room.

I'm about to follow her to the front door when I feel a hand on my forearm. I turn and see Rachel looking at me with a sympathetic smile.

"You know, Miss Stewart..."

I cut her off, "Miley."

"Miley" she repeats with a smile. "There's only one person that can make Lilly happy. And it's not the one she's about to marry."

I frown. "What do you mean?"

"Fight for her," is all she says before walking after Lilly.

I stare blankly in front of me as I hear the door open and close.

Wait... What did she just say?

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**Author's note : **read and review my wonderful readers ! ;-)

Emma will be back in the next chapter and it will be the departure for the famous weekend !

Question : which do you prefer : that the next update will be for episode 11, this story, or Start all over?

I can't write all of them at the same time since I'm working this summer... So you decide which one is next... !


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